Questions We Get Asked About Our Church Service, and Our Snappy Answers

In order to save you time and embarrassment in asking us stuff, we have listed some of the more commonly asked questions about our church service and its building.

I am aiming to get the best church value for my tithe dollar. What sets your church apart from other churches?

Um, we have a velvet Elvis painting, complete with a penitent tear running down his cheek, hidden in our sanctuary someplace. And we're a caring, mostly gen-x community of individuals, each almost freakishly different from the others, yet tightly knit together in their common search for and love of God.

Where is Elvis?

There are some answers that are better found on your own. Seek and ye shall find. Each must find Elvis on their own.

Where can I park my classy car?

We have a parking lot out back, the one with all of the cars leaking stuff out the bottoms of them. We are also permitted to use the parking lot behind the Chinese place kind of across the street, and there is ample on-street parking, since most people in the westcott community are nursing hangovers or asleep on beanbags at 10am on a Sunday morning. Our esteemed landlord, Mr Marcoccia, has begged and pleaded for us not to park in the parking lot of his liquor store, conveniently located near the front door of our church.

What kind of free stuff can you offer me?

Each new visitor gets a welcome bag full of goodies telling about us and so on. Sometimes there's candy but that depends on how hungry whoever is handling the welcome bags happens to be that week. Generally we discourage raiding the bags, but we're not a church that's about telling people how to live their lives, so your chances are best if you get down to visit us right away. Each bag also contains a CD, not available in stores anywhere, with a message from our pastor on it, and maybe some music too.

Oooh! Free coffe! Do you have a napkin I can wrap some up in to take home for the week? And...hey! A cup full of money too! You guys rock!

No! The coffe is technically are not free. The cup is intended to collect money to pay for them, so that we can continue buying them. For a scriptural reference about what happens when you hoard free food, see Exodus, in the part about the manna. I bet they were going around asking each other for napkins to store the manna up in too. We do, however, rock.

10:00 is really early for a sluggard like me. I fell asleep during the sermon, and when I woke up, I heard the people who were stepping over me talking about lots of cool stuff from the sermon. I know about the guy in the book of Acts who fell asleep during the sermon, so I'm thankful I didn't plummet to my death and have to be resurrected during greeting time, but I would like to know if there's a way I can get a copy of the sermon message, so I can listen to it at home.

For the low low price of $3.00, to cover costs, you can get a nice shiny CD, complete with a case and your name scrawled on it in magic marker. On that CD will be the sermon you asked for. Talk to Lou or Joe. They'll set you up, if you can catch them.

My kids won't stay in the car if I leave them. Do you have something for them in your service too?

Yes, we have kids time during the sermon, where we do activities with them and make crafts. They are safe with us. And while in the nursery they can see our service through our state of the art 1.5-way mirror. We are a blast for all ages, young and old. (Though somebody keeps taking a hose and washing our chalk-drawn tournament-sized shuffle-puck court off of the back parking lot.)

So does that mean that your church isn't just for those darned hippie kids in their tight pants and their fast cars, scooting around and beaming each other with their new-fangled palm contraptions? Glory be!

Nope, we're for all ages. Granted, most of us are from the dreaded gen-x demographic, since we started years ago as a college group, so you may get some blank stares if you start asking around to see who taped Matlock last night, but other than that, we believe the majority of mankind has a common enough experience to become friends and grow together, regardless of age or background. Whether you're fresh out of the oven or 90+, you'll fit right in.

Choice Christian greetings, brothers and sisters, I would like to helpfully point out that none of you are christians. Your pastor has some kind of weird ear-piercing. A couple of your ministers look like they still have bed-head. You have Elvis on your wall. Your computer guy spends most of his time staring at his hands and won't engage me in lively spirited conversation without my cornering him against the communion table, and even then he twitches and won't look directly at me. And your worship has drums and stuff instead of just the divinely sanctioned piano or organ. You are all going straight to hell! I'd shake the dust off of my feet when I leave if the carpet weren't so immaculately vacuumed.

Your objection has been duly noted. We apologize for your inconvenience.

What kind of bathrooms do you have?

Nice ones. (Separate male and female, handicapped accessible.)

I have come to your church to cruise chicks/guys. None of the women/men in my own church will date me. Please point out the women/men in your congregation who are currently not dating, so that I might make most effective use of my pick-up lines. By the way, what are you doing Saturday?

No. Let go of my hand.